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2002-10-16 - 3:15 p.m. Yesterday was NOT one of the best days in my life. I'm back to feeling like I have a part in Shortland Street (New Zealand soap) - this time because of Lars. I really don't feel up to rehashing it all again, so I'll just include the email I wrote to my bestest friend (who, unfortunately, lives in NZ :( ) this morning... Dearest 'L', Thank you so much for your email. I'm glad you don't think I'm stupid / naive for wanting to stay together with Lars even after all this, but while the thought of breaking up with him did cross my mind on more than one occation, I just can't face the thought of life without him. That said, he has a LONG way to go to regain my trust in him, and if he ever does anything even REMOTELY similar, we're history. I may be trusting, but I'm no fool. I think it was Zaza Garbor who once said "If a man fools me once, shame on him. If a man fools me twice, shame on me." Anyway, for my dreary story... Without being able to say exactly why, I've been feeling quite bad lately, certain that it would still be ages before I'd meet Lars' family, wondering if he'd even want me to etc. This is not the first time I've had these thoughts (as you well know), but for some reason it was worse this time. So bad, in fact, that when I couldn't reach him on his cell phone, I decided to use the number I had for 'M'. I was quite hesitant to do so, but for some reason, I ended up making the call. 'M' answered the phone, and I asked to talk to Lars. "I think you have the wrong number, which Lars do you want to talk to?" To use an old cliche, my heart stopped beating for a second. That was not the reply I'd expected. "Ehh... Lars Elmvang." "No, I'm his younger brother." "But I thought Lars lived here as well." "No, he doesn't. You need to call ..." and then he gave me Lars' old number. Somehow I managed to thank him and hang up, but you could have knocked me over with a feather. The ironic part is that this has actually been one of my worst case scenarios ever since he told me he moved out, but I thought "Nah, he wouldn't be so stupid, to lie about something that's so easy for me to check up on." Well, guess who feels the fool now. Believe it or not, I actually reconsidered for a moment or two if I really wanted to call Lars, as Britta might be there - then I realized that he in NO way deserved my consideration, and called him. Thank the Lord I was still so angry (read, enraged) that I could talk to him without breaking down crying. I confronted him with it, and told him he'd better come over right away if he still wanted the chance of having a girlfriend by the end of this. As soon as I got off the phone with him, I realized I really DIDN'T want to be alone just then, so I called my sister, 'N' and asked her to come over. Of course she could hear something was up, and - being the wonderful sister she is - jumped right out in the car. She got the brunt of my hysteria and tears I'm afraid, but it was wonderful to have her there and just talk things over with, because I REALLY did not know what to do! Part of me told me that I probably ought to break up with him, the rest of me was in tears at the mere thought. I realized I had to make some demands though, and if Lars didn't come through, then there was no doubt that I would have to break up with him (and flee to NZ as quickly as possible!) 'N' was a great support and it was such a relief not to have to be alone, but to be together with somebody and be able to call Lars a shithead and a barstard and have them agree with me. Lars has really put me in a spot here, because I don't want to tell everybody about this - it's okay for me to think he's shit, but I don't want everybody else to think so too! Especially not now that I'm pretty certain we'll stay together. 15 mins after N left, Lars arrived, and we spent the next couple of hours talking. It was, as I had expected, that he'd been too much of a coward to actually ask 'M' straight out if he could stay with him, as 'M' had seemed rather dismissive of the entire idea, and rather than telling me, he decided to start this lie. You realize that's more than 10 months worth of lying?! I almost feel stupid for not realizing it before, but why would I even suspect that he should lie to me about something that big for that long. As idiotic as it may sound, he lied to me, because he was afraid of loosing me. He's never before come so close to doing just that. It all the small lies that hurt me the most... all the things he said of his own free will, without me asking or anything, things that he hadn't needed to say, but chose to say. Those were the things that convinced me he was telling the truth. It scares me how convincing a liar he is. It will take time before I completely trust him again, almost no matter what he tells me. But still, the Lars that I know (and I'm wondering just how much I know him just now... will be awhile before that thought leaves my mind again) doesn't have a vicious bone in his body, so I don't believe he could do this just to be cruel, thus I have to believe that he does still love me, and is just a worse sissy than I'd ever thought. What I needed now was for him to acknowledge me - he had to convince me that he honestly wants this relationship, and the only way he could do that, was to make a call to either his parents, his brother or his best friend right there and then, and ask if we could come over. I think he thought he got off easily, because he accepted right away, called 'M' and told him they had to talk, and if he could bring a girl he was in love with along. Obviously, he said yes right away. I was so nervous, but it felt GREAT to finally be meeting somebody who meant something to Lars. His brother seems nice, and I had a really good chat with 'M's girlfriend while 'M' showed Lars around. Lars got his act together, and asked to move in temporarily, and after a few arrangements had been made, 'M' said he could, and Lars is moving as much of his stuff as he has time for today. He'll be sleeping here until he's found a madrass or something to sleep on there, I will NOT have him sleep one more night at his ex's place!!! He told me that he's turned his day upside down and mostly only sleeps when she's gotten out of bed, so that's something and did make me feel a bit better, but still... I do believe him when he says there's nothing between the two of them, but that doesn't mean I like the thought of them sleeping in the same bed, no matter how big it is! Lars told me to do what it takes to regain trust in him, so I will be checking up on him on this. Unless I know him to be elsewhere, I will call him on 'M's home number, rather than on his cell phone, and I fully expect him to have FINISHED moving (with the possible exception of his bed, as that would take a small van - we have a friend who has one of those, and Lars will ask him, but of course he (the friend, not Lars) may be too busy. I won't be happy about it, but can't in all fairness blame Lars for it) and for me to have met his parents and at least some of his friends within the next two weeks. Lars understands this. He's lost all right to my patience, and I intend to make the demands of him that I need to, in order for us to get back on track. So that's where we are at the moment. I still love him, and am doing my best to forgive him, but that's something I have to do again, and again, and again for the next couple of weeks, or however long it takes. For him to move out completely and introducing me to his friends / family will go a long way in that, but how long time it will take to regain the trust... that I don't know. I don't think I've ever before been so hurt! I would have prefered hundreds of 'A-situations' to this! Lars was the one guy I counted on never to hurt me, and it turns out he's the one who's hurt me the most. I do occationally wonder if I ought to have broken up with him, but realized that if we'd been married, divorce wouldn't have been an option, so we'd HAVE to work it out. Sappy as it may sound, in my heart I feel like we're married, so the same applies. Besides, he has made me incredibly happy for more than two years – we deserve a second chance. I just wish I knew what God's plan with this was? Perhaps to shake up Lars and make a man of him, as well as finally answering my prayers re. meeting Lars' family? Who can tell? I'm just PRAYING it wasn't God trying to show me that this relationship isn't of Him, and I should get out of it, but I think that if that was the case, then we wouldn't have been able to move on so - relatively - easily. But no more Miss Nice-Girl until I start trusting him more again. At the moment our relationship is still very rocky. I expect it to hold, but it won't take much for it to come crushing down completely. That's all up to Lars. //// "Wyrd Sisters" went really well - I'll write more about that once I've calmed down a bit and feel ready to tackle other aspects of my life.
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