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2002-09-15 - 9:15 p.m. One of the things that bugs me the most with this whole Lars sito, is that I'm on my way to becoming so cynical about everything! I almost expect to be disappointed since that's what's happening more often than not at the moment. Earlier today I spoke to Lars on the phone, and he told me (when I assumed the opposite) that I would get to meet his family before the performances of "Wyrd Sisters" (opening night is October 4th). "After all, we don't have rehersals every night!" He told me I could count on it, so that's what I'm trying to do, but something inside me insist on saying "Yeah right! I'll believe that when I see it!" Perhaps my inner voice is trying to help me to be prepared and not get so disappointed. If that's the case, it's not working! Though I expect the worst I STILL get disappointed when it happens. Go figure. The worst thing is that I've found myself starting to speculate if it even helps to pray about it any longer... Don't get me wrong here. I am DEFINITELY not starting to doubt God exists, nor that He is able to do anything about it. I DO still believe in miracles... Am just asking myself if He will (i.e. wants to)... and am afraid I'm shooting myself in the foot by entertaining such thoughts. No, I don't believe in a vindictive God! Please don't get too shocked by reading this. I know that my God is a loving God, but I also believe He has a reason for everything... would really like to know what it is in this case, but know that some thing are beyond my understanding. I'm starting to worry that I mostly write here to complain. I don't want you to get a wrong impression of my relationship with Lars, and ask yourselves why I'm not getting out of it. I am VERY happy together with him, and most of the time feel incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful boyfriend. Unfortunately I my need to 'write myself out' is greater when I'm sad than when I'm happy, but rest assured that we are still insanely in love, and it thrills me whenever he talks of us getting engaged (before the end of this year) or even getting married (probably next May/June sometime). Just wanted to get that straight! :o)
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