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2001-06-26 - 10:34 p.m. I'm a regular little goose tonight, and need to "write myself out" (as LMM would say). When reading this, bear in mind that I'm writing it while tired and without much food in my stomach. Still, I am sitting here with a big lump in my throat, yet unable to cry. "What's the problem?" you ask. Goodness, I wish I knew! I just know the mood's been here practically since my DB arrived yesterday. I don't really mean this, but a part of me is scared I love him more, or I need him more than he loves / needs me. Now, with my mind I KNOW that's not the case, but my stupid heart insists on finding small things and making a big deal out of them. Such as the fact that it's very often I who asks when we shall meet next (simply because I find great comfort in knowing that). Such as the fact that now, when we're actually able to, because of summer vacation, we don't spend as much timer together as I'd like. It's been AGES since he stayed here two nights in a row. Add that to me being scared stiff that he might not be able to find a place to live by the end of the summer.... and here the tears come... I KNOW he's promised, yet I seem to be taking the initiative all the time... at least that's how I feel, as he never tells me what he's doing. Is he looking actively or only passively? I cannot continue like this much longer. Despite my knowledge of the opposite, it makes me feel I'm not worth fighting for. I WISH he'd just talking to his brother or a friend and figure something out about staying with them for awhile. I am so definitely going to ask him to do that while I'm in Crete next month. I'm scared senseless that it'll come to a point where I'll actually have to break with him - or put us on 'pause' anyway - because he hasn't found anything. Well, either that or for us to become official though he's still living with his ex. I HATE writing those words!!!! It's soon been a year he's been looking. Part of me wants to skip this entire summer, in order to just get a resolution to this! Perhaps it would've been better if we'd never started going out. Maybe that would have inticed him to look harder? I hope not. That would REALLY make me feel lousy. When I'm out of this mood, I'll look back and maybe regret writing this, because this is NOT how I feel the most of the time. Still, I'll let it stand, because it is very true to how I feel at the moment.
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