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2001-06-04 - 7:45 p.m. The A-saga has irrevocably finished now. I am praying that more chapters will be written later, but really doubt it. The last chapter started Saturday morning. I checked my eamils and to my great surprise saw that there was one from A! Talk about colouring me surprised! But I was so happy, and hoped for good news... until I'd read the mail. Afterwards I broke down crying, and was furious with him! He used 7K to tell me not to approach / talk to him again, and ask me to send me a mail telling him which papers I was taking next term, so he could avoid them. I cannot recall ever before having been so hurt and so sad. I sat in front of my computer and _cried_ as if my heart was broken. Maybe it was - at least a part of it. He'd destroyed any hope of us ever being friends - or at least 'friendly' again. At the same time I was more mad at him than ever before, so instead of giving myself time to cool off, I wrote back immediately, where I for once didn't downplay how hurt and angry I was. It was torture getting through that day. It was my uncle's birthday, and I'd actually looked forward to celebrating it, but I so did not feel like being social! Constantly I had to watch out that the tears didn't show, because they were very close to spilling over! N (my sister) discovered something was wrong, and asked me what it was. I'm glad! And I did also get half an hour respite when my other sister had to picked up. All good! But still I couldn't wait to get away from there. Hopefully my uncle never picked that up. During the afternoon, A had sent me a message that he'd reply sometime that evening, so I was a nervous wreck when we came home (I slept over at my parents' place - didn't feel like being alone). Fortunately I had nothing to fear. His mail did not bring on another deluge, but left me feeling so sorry for him. He reply was long - 12K - but it all boils down to this one sentence: "I LOVE YOU. DON'T YOU SEE THAT?" No, I didn't - or rather, hadn't. Seriously, he'd made me believe it just was a crush, and I thought he handled it very foolishly. I still think that, and maybe it was just a crush that grew out of proportions because he spent too much time thinking about it... but I have no right to assume that. Suddenly his coldness made much more sense, and though I'm still sad, I'm no longer angry with him. In the end, he is the 'looser' in this. At the end of the day, I have my DB, while he has no one. I can't help but think how it would have been, if the situation had been different, and have come to the conclusion, that though I think we'd have a good relationship as boyfriend / girlfriend we are MUCH to different for us ever to get married (for one thing, he's not a Christian), I can't even picture it, whereas it's very much the opposite with my DB. While that may just be because of how much in love I am with him now, I don't really think so, because even when I was interested in A (about 1½ years ago) I couldn't imagine us together, but even before I fell in love with my DB, I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. But still, a part of me is so sad I can't return A's feelings, and I can't help but hope time will make him feel differently about being around me. I'm not counting on it though - even when he stops feeling so strongly about me, his pride will still keep him away from me :o( I can't believe this has happened - and then A! of all people! The guy I've cared so much about, whose friendship I've valued so much, and who always have seemed so aloof and on top of things. Even now I find it difficult to believe it's anything other than just a bad dream. My sister and I went to the movies today to watch "What Women Want" (I just needed to get out of the house, and think of something pleasant), and it _almost_ made me forget all about A. Unfortunately only almost, because they showed a trailer to "Pearl Habour" starring none other than Ben Affleck. Ouch! Ever since I first met A, I've thought he looked like Ben Affleck (yes, he's _that_ good-looking), and just seeing _him_ made tears come to my eyes. A does not deserve that I am so sad over having lost his friendship -- but I am, and I can't really change that :( My DB is coming to visit me within the hour. Can't wait to see him again. Around him I can feel happy and relaxed, and I need that just now.
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