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2001-05-04 - 4:12 p.m. I got a very unpleasant surprise Monday evening. I had to get hold of my mum, she wasn't at home, so I told dad I'd call my sister ('N') instead. He then told me, that she wasn't at home either, because my BIL ('C') had taken her to the psyciatric emergency room. I was completely dumbstruck. I knew she'd been feeling quite bad lately, and was taking medicine for it, but had no idea that it was this bad. I asked Dad what had happened, and he said that he didn't really know, but that N had been going downhill for a long time, and C had finally thought that enough was enough, and wanted her to seek professional help. I didn't get to talk to N for myself until Wednesday where we were both at my parents' place. There, the two of us had a nice long chat, which I really appreciated, but at the same time it scared me, and made me extremely sad. N is really not doing well at the moment - and that makes me feel bad. I got more and more sad hearing just how bad she's feeling, and for how long she's been feeling this way. She's stopped going to the dancing school she was attending (she'd been planing to stop come summer, as the lack of interlectual stimulation was boring her, but ended up just dropping out a couple of weeks ago), and finds it very difficult to get energy to do anything. If she could she'd sleep 24 hours a day, as she finds comfort in her bed, and "it's easier than being awake". She hurts so much inside that she occationally feels like hurting herself physically, because then at least she could concentrate about another pain. One day she was standing with a knife, wondering how much it would hurt to cut herself in the finger or the palm. I thank the Lord that she's smart enough to see herself that it's a cry for help, and SPEAKS OUT, instead of doing something to hurt herself. But... to have my favourite little sister, one of my very best frends come up to me and ask if I'd come visit her "if she gets committed to the mental hospital".... :-( Of course she knows she's not going crazy, but I can't help but think that the fear must be lurking there somewhere... how could it not? I just feel so helpless. All I can do is pray for her. I know praying works miracles, but it just feels like such a small thing to do. :-(
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