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2001-04-07 - 12:35 p.m. I am feeling SO much better than when I wrote the "Jonah Day" entry, but there have been some _very_ low days in between. Wednesday I was feeling absolutely wretched, had a very hard time not bursting into tears, and ended up almost crying myself to sleep, holding my stuffed panda close. Thursday I got a grip of myself and started feeling better - at least until I met up with my DB. For once, that actually made me feel worse, because he was telling me of what he'd done the day before: "One of my friends came to visit us." - that 'us'... ouch! Later he was telling that another of his friends had just moved into a new appartment. My DB paused a bit, and then sighed "Lucky sod!" Well, I'm glad he's also sad about the way things are, but it just brought everything back up to the surface again. I was really tired and quite sad, so I didn't really say much, but just came with short replies to his comments. Being the sensitive sweetie he is, he obviously quickly realized something was very wrong and 'forced' me to talk about it. When he did something in me burst, and everything just poured out. Until now I've always tried to be strong, and keep things back, but this time it was 'no holds barred'. I told him all the things I've thought or written - how scared I was that it'd still be ages before he moved, that I was scared his ex might show up at the opening night of our play again this year, and that I'd have to endure another night of that, how sad I was 8 months had gone by and we seemed no nearer to becoming official etc. It was such a relief to just get it all out, and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders afterwards. Lars kept telling me how much he loves me, but as wonderful as that is to hear, I know he does, yet it doesn't change anything, he's still living with his ex. I nedded something more concrete than that. Apparently he sensed that, because he said that it would never happen that we'd get 'used' to status quo. If it took too long for him to find somewhere to live (i.e. longer than another 6 months or so) he'd move in with me for a short while. Only temporarily, and we'd both definitely prefer for that not to happen. Neither of us want to move in together just yet. Him, because he doesn't want to move straight from an ex-girlfriend to a new girlfriend's place. Me, for the obvious reason, that I really think a couple should be married before moving in together. We both agree though, that it is a possible 'last resort'. And though I wish, hope and PRAY it won't come to that (and know he does too), 6 months from now, I know I'll be very desperate if he's still living with his ex. Desperate times call for desperate measures. But 6 months is a LONG time. I pray he'll find something before then. We talked heaps more (meaning I only got about 4½ hours sleep), which was just what I needed, and I felt like a huge load had been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you Lord! When we finally did get to sleep, I dreamt that he came up to me, and told me he'd found an appartment, and that he'd be moving soon. It was a wonderful dream, and though I wish it were reality, I knew it was a dream while dreaming, so I didn't wake up disappointed. But what a blessing it would be if I came home from vacation on Saturday to find that it's come true!!! I know what _I'll_ be praying for all week!!
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