2001-01-27 - 2:59 p.m.

My life has just turned into "Shortland Street" (New Zealand soap opera)! Fortunately it's not as bad any longer, but WHAT a couple of weeks it has been!

Okay, it probably started about a week and a half back. 'A' and I aren't doing the same intensive course this January, so instead we've been exchanging a lot of emails, slowly but surely becoming better and better friends. I was really stoked about it, because he's always been so difficult to get to know better, but suddenly he seemed to open up to me. I couldn't believe my own eyes. Friday we arranged that he should come over to visit Sunday, because we thought it would be cool to see each other.

He arrived around 3pm. I was really looking forward to it, but at the same time I was dreadfully nervous, because it seemed like a big step to take in our friendship - to meet outside uni. It didn't make it better that he, when he came, told me he couldn't look at me while we were talking, as he wasn't sure he'd be able to say what he wanted to if he did. We'd been talking about my insecurity, and I'd mentioned some of the bad relationships I've been in in the past. He started showering me with compliments - telling me I was beautiful, comparing me with a rose or a jewel - if you knew 'A', you'd know that's NOT something to expect from him!! He's so private, and I'd never have thought I'd hear him open up like that. He kept telling me not to "make do" me with a boyfriend who didn't understand to touch me the right way, and who didn't hunger for me. Okay, at this point it didn't take a genius to see where this was heading, but I had to hear it from himself. "'A', why is this so important to you?" He replied with something I don't remember, but then added what I on one hand had expected, but on the other hand couldn't believe at all - that he was attracted to me. He didn't think much of teasing me, but it was a way to get to speak with me. The most ironic thing about this is that if he'd told me this before my DB and I got to know each other I _would_ have been interested (I can't get myself to wish he had though, because would my DB and I be where we are if he had? too big a risk to take!). I have been attracted to him, but wrote him off as unattainable - of course that means that it's an amazing compliment to me that it ended with me being unattainable to him! I couldn't recognize 'A' at all in the side of himself he showed me... he had brought a French poem which he read aloud, and then handed me the translation to read for myself. It all just seemed so unreal - I mean.. 'A'! of all people!!!! He who keeps everything so close to himself. I don't think I can properly express how unbelievable it all felt! Like I was part of some bad movie or something. I was so sad not to be able to give him any hope, but the worst thing came when I discovered that he asked for "all or nothing". Of course I couldn't choose him over my DB, but to have to write him out of my life completely... I couldn't do that either! He's one of my best friends from uni, and I'd HATE to lose his friendship. It all felt so hopeless that I couldn't help but cry - which hurt him, because that was the last thing he wanted. In the end he couldn't even look at me any longer, not even when he left and I asked him to look at me one last time. He just couldn't :o(

I was completley devastated when he left. Went around hitting things, and crying out loud. The thought that I had lost 'A's friendship was more than I could bear. After approx. ten minutes I called my sister and brother-in-law (BIL), because I couldn't bear being alone, and needed somebody to talk to [even now when it's all over I still get all choked up thinking about how awful I felt]. I almost despaired when they didn't pick up the phone, but fortunately my BIL called me back shortly after. I asked if they were at home, and he could immediately hear that something was VERY bad. "You don't feel well." (not a question, but a statement.) "No, can I please come over?" "Of course!" When I arrived I only just made it through the door before Christian caught me up in one of the BIGGEST hugs he's EVER given me. They knew that 'A' had been to visit that day, and how much I'd been looking forward to it, so they had a fair guess what had gone wrong. It was wonderful to talk about it, and have them hold me while I cried, because I simply couldn't stop.

... there's a lot more to write about that evening, and the next morning, but I think I'll leave it here. It's too difficult reliving it. I can't remember when I've last (if ever before) been that sad, and had such a hard time making myself stop crying. It didn't make it better that my DB got absolutely furious that I gave 'A' "the time of day" when he called Monday evening, but doesn't he see I couldn't act otherwise! Yes, I was hurt, but it's not in me to hurt people! Oh well, I neither want to think about his reaction then, nor the following morning.

At some point Monday I told my DB that I so far wished I'd wake up Tuesday and discover that the past two days had never happened, "But that's probably too much to ask for - even though I do believe in miracles." He agreed, but added that _if_ it happened he'd take his hat off to my connections (Danish expression, I don't know if you have it in English as well?)

Tuesday morning I woke up to an email from 'A'. He apologized profusely several times - now that he'd seen how serious my DB and I are, he'd come to realize that his actions weren't because of real romantic feelings, but an expression of his (perhaps much too) strong feelings of friendship towards me - he wanted to protect me, so I wouldn't end up in another bad relationship. Now that he knew my DB was nothing like past boyfriends I might have had he could step back, and watch me be happy. I was THRILLED to read the mail, but wish he hadn't called me when he got my reply. My DB had spent the night, so he was there, and for some strange reason it hurt him terribly that 'A' couldn't just explain himself in an email, but had to call as well. He couldn't understand why 'A' wouldn't let us alone, and I couldn't get him to see that I no longer _wanted_ him to let me alone. He'd apologized, and I'd forgiven him 100% I wondered a LOT over my DB' reaction. Personally I was so relieved, and called 'A' when I came home from uni the same day (mainly to get him to understand that he only made things worse by calling - my DB needed time to cool off.) We had a long talk, and arranged that he could come over Wednesday, he didn't want my last impression of him at my appartment to be that he wouldn't look at me when he left. I told him how happy it had made me that he'd refered to me as his best female friend. "Maria, you're much more than that. That's where the problem lies. You're a kind of sister I want to protect." Now I can understand why it hurt him _that_ much when I started crying, when what he _wanted_ to do was to protect me.

I was in the best mood after the conversation, which my DB could feel when he came to visit me that evening. I told him that I felt like Sunday and Monday never had happened. He stood looking at me... "...Maria, wasn't that exactly what you prayed for? You SURE have great connections!!" I just stared at him, and then gave him the biggest hug. I hadn't thought of it like that at all! "I give the guy upstairs WAY too little credit!" "You should stop doing that." Oh yeah!

'A' arrived Wednesday afternoon - a bit too late which just made me even more nervous. But that feeling disappeared completely when he arrived and the first thing he did was to give me two or three big hugs right after each other. "I never thought I should see you smile again," he said - well, I'd felt the same way, but now even his eyes could smile at me again. All good. We sat together and talked for a long time about everything and not much. When 'A' gets started there's no stopping him ;) He'd been looking forward to this all day, and kept touching me, or giving me hugs, as to make certain I was actually there. I can understand his feeling. This was almost as unbelievable as Sunday had been. He even gave me a kiss on the cheek when we said goodbye. 'A'!! I would NEVER have anticipated that! But I am SO happy for it! Sunday I was evastated because I thought I'd lost his friendship for good, now it turns out that it's back and stronger than ever. Amazing how it's possible to go from one extreme to the other. God works in VERY mysterious ways!

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